Friday, September 16, 2005

Friday, September 16, 2005

Friday, September 16, 2005

I’ve been here for just two weeks which is strange to realize because it has come to feel as though this is my life. But this section of it is coming to a close, and I feel almost jealous of the fact that I am going to have to begin sharing this experience.
That said, I am also enormously grateful that within a few days Mary, Margaret, Pat and Dad will be arriving. Scout arrives today, Leon is coming with Mary, and Tom is coming down from Alaska on Sunday.

It is a strange family reunion we are planning. Last night Suzanne and I sat down with pen and paper and did bed assignments so we could figure out if we needed to put anyone up at Jim and Joanne’s. We decided that as Dad and Jim and Joanne are old friends from the Cow Creek days of back then, in fact Jim was Dad’s first close friend here in Bonners when we moved here in 1966, we would board him with them. Tom and his Dad will also stay there. Mary and Leon will stay at Tim and Suzanne’s. Pat will stay in the guest room which Jim and I will finish today. Scout will stay upstairs at Mom and Doug’s, and Margaret will stay in the apartment with me.

Mom here in Idaho is a born again Christian, and she is praying for a miracle. She is a hold out for it as well. Last night after I got home, Doug and I sat up for awhile talking, and he is concerned about what is going to happen if this miracle doesn’t occur. I told him that I think it is happening, that all of us, Mom, Dad and the five of us, gathered here in Cow Creek, come together from all sides of the country, that’s a miracle.

Something I believe is that the amazing things that happen right before our eyes can be overlooked as we search the corners of the horizon for something that exists only in the back of our minds.

What is remarkable sometimes appears ordinary until it is in the past, and it’s a god damn, motherfucking, cocksucking shame if you missed it.

Last night Suzanne and Tim and I lay on their bed, sprawled out all over it, watching Lover Come Back on Turner Classic Movies. Suzanne ate cheese and crackers and drank a beer. I ate fritos. Tim had a milkshake. We talked about Doris Day’s hair, and her hats, and how handsome Rock Hudson was, and how two people that beautiful really had no business being together so it was good that he was gay. That was remarkable.

I guess that is what I mean when I say I’m a little jealous of sharing that. Over the past two weeks, through all of this, uncovering, learning, hoping, despairing, changing, riding the emotional roller coaster all over the park, its been the three of us doing it. But the bonds that are there, that have always been there for us, are flexible and expand to include the rest. It’s the way it is, and the way its always been.

Things are happening incredibly fast now, and the speed is only going to increase. A lesson in learning to live in the present is when the future is something you simply don’t want to face. When I think about next week, or the week after, grief so strong it weakens my arms and legs washes over me, so that definitely keeps me in the here and now.

I have to go and finish my cutting before Jim gets here. My thoughts are beginning to scatter but I’ll write more later.


At 9:28 PM, Blogger ginnymassey said...

darling dan'l - we received countless miracles during our tim's last days with us - idaho for him is a miracle, passing over in his own bed in his own home is a miracle - friends, family, neighbors from everywhere - all miracles - his overnight on 4032, the huge hundred plus barbecue and giant bonfires - always believe in miracles - God always SHARES JOY - MOM XXXOOO


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