Friday, September 30, 2005

Friday, September 30, 2005

Friday, September 30, 2005

It’s 7:30am and the temperature is a staggering 42 degrees. It’s a heatwave here in North Idaho. Yesterday it rained all day, today the blue sky is poking around the edges and by the time the sun actually comes up, well, it should be a gorgeous day!

Yesterday defined uneventful. And in a month like this September has been, we’ll take it. Tim didn’t really wake up at all yesterday, just a few minutes here and there. He seems comfortable, goes for amazingly long stretches now without any pain medication, his breathing was deep and regular, and his pulse was steady and strong.

Yesterday morning, we were just sitting around and I looked at Mary and said let’s go for a drive. So we went to town, and bought lattes at the Badger’s Den and went shopping at Larson’s and bought indoor kids things for Liam and Maura, and drove around Paradise Valley and came home.

Kerry came back and is here until Sunday. Tom had to leave this morning. He sat beside Tim’s bed for a long time last night, with one hand on Tim’s head. I sat on the other side of the bed for awhile and we talked quietly, but mostly he was silent. Suzanne came by and sat with him and held him tightly as he cried. These goodbyes, fewer now than before, still have the capacity to rip at my heart.

I talked to Mom in Tennessee yesterday, updated her on what was happening. “Its so hard not to be there,” she said.

“I think he travels though,” I told her, “So look for him.”

And I think he does. As he sleeps, I think he goes out and comes back and goes out and comes back. I look at him lying there, his body slowly shutting down, his scarred face twisting his mouth open, one eye refusing to stay shut, and I know his spirit is stronger than this frail body. This container could not hold Tim. And while I love every inch of his exhausted being, inside it is a different Tim. A traveling Tim.

And as he travels, we go out about the business of living, so that when he returns he finds music, and laughing, and when he returned in the afternoon he found Margaret sitting beside him doing a crossword puzzle with his wife, and later he found Maura and Aidan and I playing war, a bit on in the day he would find Pat telling him about the amazing idea he had for finishing the front of the shop, and finally, when the light was gone he would have found PL and I dancing in the darkness to Chris Isaak, and he would think that was a good place to come home to for awhile.

2 Comments:

At 7:45 PM, Blogger matt drake said...

Dear Daniel,
I haven't gotten too far in here yet, but this is beautiful. I am so appreciative of the days I was able to be with all of you. Thank you so much for helping guide us in, out and around... You have grown into a beautiful man, in a family of beautiful men. Thanks for everything...
Matt Drake

 
At 7:46 PM, Blogger matt drake said...

Dear Daniel,
I haven't gotten too far in here yet, but this is beautiful. I am so appreciative of the days I was able to be with all of you. Thank you so much for helping guide us in, out and around... You have grown into a beautiful man, in a family of beautiful men. Thanks for everything...
Matt Drake

 

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