Monday, September 19, 2005

Monday, September 19, 2005

Monday, September 19, 2005

It’s not quite 8:00am and I’m on my third cup of coffee. I’m looking out my little window over the desk, and the sun is creeping across the back yard. According to the thermometer outside my window, the temperature just pushed past 30 degrees.

Mom, Dad, Mary and Leon arrived late last night, and went to bed quickly. I’ve been here long enough now that I guess I have become accustomed to what is happening, at least on the day to day, this is what it looks like level.

The shock and grief in people’s eyes as they see Tim and the reality sinks in, is so hard, and I feel like as the old hand I have to be the strong one. I need to stop that. Again, I need to be real, and that’s it.

Last night we started a little fire in the fire pit in the back yard, and Pat, Tom, Matt and I stood around the fire and watched the wood burn down into orange and red embers while the mostly full moon blazed overhead, and we talked and joked and kidded around until it was late and the fire was mostly gone.

With the arrival of more and more people, family and friends both, my character defects have popped out of the box and decided to join the party. Its incredible that no matter how much work I do on this stuff, it still lurks around the edges and then blam!

Anyway, I did a quick inventory this morning, the results of which are not surprising to me; low self-esteem leads to acting out. So before the day starts, and four more people arrive, here is what I want to remember:

1) I can be comfortable having my own thoughts and feelings, whether or not my family and friends gives them their stamp of approval.

2) In the end, the experience of my life is mine alone. Only I can have it. I want it to be as rich, and as real, and as important as it can be, and the only way that can happen is if I experience it fully as myself, not through someone else’s eyes.

3) No one ever wins a popularity contest.

More later…


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